Saturday, February 10, 2007 


Although this project kinda deflated months ago, I was inspired by the following link to include it on here.

Rev. Haggard, after 90 days of 'treatment' with 4 ministers, was cured of his homosexuality.

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Friday, April 28, 2006 

Pirates versus Ninjas: A personal dilemma

The internet has informed of of countless bizarre and interesting facts and concepts. In the realm of online obscenity, part of this phenomenom is known as Webcest, which is defined by The Urban Dictionary as "Any sort of fetish learned about, expanded upon, or performed on the internet." Jeffery Rowland, who defined the term, has this to say on the subject :

Webcest is that special feelin' you get when you're makin' love to your old lady and you're both dressed like giraffes! Webcest is when you find dirty pictures of your ex-girlfriend on the internet and you print them out for later.Webcest is when you discover a forum dedicated to people who are turned on by x ray photographs and you consider digging through your medical records to see what kind of attention your skeleton could generate.

But these new discoveries aren't limited to sexual depravity. Sometimes other, more ominous things (yes, more ominous than people fucking dressed as giraffes) are discovered. Like a centuries-old blood war, such as exists between Pirates and Ninjas. The phenomenon did emerge in the 1982 movie musical, Pirate Movie, wherein pirates and ninjas clashed upon a pirate ship, but that was at the time seen as a lone incedent. But intensive research and a number of Google searches now conclusively prove the existance of a conflict between the two, as old as both groups have existed. And it continues today, as even at MIT it is rumored that a Bachelors degree in piracy is available to one who takes the following PE courses: sailing, rowing, pistol, fencing, and ropes. A Bachelors in ninjitsu is also rumored, supposedly gained by entering the Great Dome and pressing Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start. The hardest part in this, it seems, is interfacing an old NES controller with a building. However, if anyone's able to accomplish this I have no doubts they went to MIT.

Ever since this age-old conflict was discovered the battle lines have been drawn on the internet, with little in the way of middle ground. Ninja Pirates and Pirate Ninjas have been rumored, but as such would require a ninja to go against everything he's ever stood for, or alternately for a pirate to be accepted into a dojo, they lie in doubt.

So what is it for those of us who think that pirates and ninjas are both awesome? What if one likes sudden deadly strikes out of the shadows and prolonged and at times humorous swashbuckling. What if one has at times celebrated Talk Like a Pirate Day and at others worn a t-shirt like a ninja mask? Must we choose one?

I personally love the katana and the sabre. The flintlock pistol and the shuriken. The roar of the cannons and the silence of the shadows.

And let's talk sex appeal (in this space it would certainly be remiss not to). Pirate Wenches? hot. So hot. We're talking sexy on a metaphysical level. And that's even the ones who aren't wearing super-revealing getups. And speaking as a heterosexual male, I submit that the hotness of Captain Jack Sparrow has universal appeal.

But then again, ninja girls are hot too. But not as notoriously. And while a female pirate is automatically incredibly hot, there is a lot of variance with girl ninjas; some of them merely look to be wearing tight-fitting burkhas. However, their extensive martial arts training must be taken into acount as they are no doubt all manner of flexible.

I'm torn up inside. I really am. I have, at various times, taken up the manner of each. I worked stage crew for the plays I didn't act in in school. Which at my school meant dressed all in black and most of us wore the mask. And I'm an enthusiastic net pirate. Entire television series reside within my hard drive, as well as a ton of music.

The bottom line is, it seems, that ninjas kick more ass, due to the intensive training, but pirates rock harder, due to the rum and the prediliction for "booty".

It's one of those questions that people use to define you. The webquiz/personality profile implications are staggering, and I lack definition enough as it is. If I had a dollar for every time I wanted to elaborate on my choice of X versus Y on those goddamned things I'd have a decent chunk of change. And this is one of the few cases where such a preference indicates supporting one side or another in a war.

Aw fuck it. Let them both hunt me down. It won't make me enjoy talking like a pirate, or in a poorly dubbed japanese action movie voice, any less. I love swords of all kinds. Eyepatches and black masks. Sailing and grappling hooks. And hot, hot girls who kick ass. And rum and booty. And vengeance and stealth. I'll sooner believe in a nebulous entity such as the ninja pirate and by so doing attract the label of a heretic than sacrifice any of this.

Yarg *vanishes*

Thursday, February 09, 2006 

Valentine's Day: You should have seen it coming

I said that I would give my thoughts on Valentine's Day.

There is an expectation that I have likely built up in my presence online, that as a snarky dude who hates commercialism and is perpetually single, I should be a frothing ball of rage about it.

And don't get me wrong. Also, I hate the wave of pink that greets me when I walk into a store. And I do often have the desire to inflict physical and spiritual harm upon the people who put forth in advertising that a dude cannot get lovin'no matter what if he doesn't shell out big time on V-Day. Can we all say, "self-fufilling prophecy?"


Though, there is an even more flagrantly false holiday that exists in some parts. In 1923, the National Confectioners' Association tried to create a holiday called Candy Day. It fell through, as consumer's weren't quite that gullible. However, the next year, the holiday was given new life under the name Sweetest Day, which is even nowadays celebrated in the midwest on the third Saturday of October as a sort of Valintine's Day part deux.

I'm not, however, entirely opposed to the idea of a holiday to celebrate love. I just think its a bit unbalanced. I am therefore in favor of a holiday being created to celebrate spite. There would be greeting cards filled with harsh invectives, and candies that cause unsavory side-effects. It would be a day to loose all of the pent-up aggression held towards others (especially exes). A celebration of intelligent antagonism.

Makes me sad because I know it'll never happen

Tuesday, January 03, 2006 

Not knowing the facts & being OK with it

Around Christmas, I was in a debate with a few friends regarding the prisoners held at Guantanamo Bay with alleged connections to 9/11 or terrorist groups. The debate spiraled into a debate less about whether these people are being treated right, and more about the fact that some are there simply because of their name. The fear of another 9/11, in my opinion, has allowed people to accept the government placing people at Guantanamo Bay until they've sufficiently decided they're not a threat.

I'm more liberal than conservative, but in certain instances I can go either way. However, one thing I believe in, and it's my belief everyone should share this, is that no matter who you are or where you're from you deserve a fair shake. The argument my friends had was that for the security of the United States, it should be okay to hold people at Guantanamo Bay until they establish whether or not they're linked. It gets shady when you realize some of these people have been there since 2001 and the US simply doesn't believe them. What if suddenly there was another 9/11, and it was done by the Irish or Italians, would we be OK with it then? I don't think we would.

Trusting the government to do the right thing is one thing, allowing yourself to be blindly guided into war is a whole different animal. It seems people don't get it when they travel to another country and face people who say they hate the United States. We take it personally, but if you ask them more specifically, I think most people would say they hate the way the government is run and the lazy approach Americans use towards democracy.

It's sad to think people would rather defend an action than investigate the facts, simply because investigating and demanding the truth is one of the hardest things in the world. Imagine that, we live in a country where we can't get straight answers, other than to stay the course.

I didnt add any links about Guantanamo Bay, because I don't know the facts, and feel even if I did add links, they'd be torn apart by other facts found somewhere. I think another 9/11 could happen, and it could be because Americans allow the government to act without repercussions.

I expect someone to bash me back into blog oblivion, and that's okay. Let's discuss!

Friday, December 30, 2005 

On the topic of New Years.

It's a sham. A utter, complete sham.

Nothing begins on January First. Nothing.

It's not even the beginning of a new planetary cycle. That would be the Winter Solstice, which this year was December 21st? Why don't we celebrate the new year on that day? Probably because it would draw attention from Christmas, which wasn't actually the day Jesus was born. But I digress.

Every year we watch the ball drop. We listen to Dick Clark even though we all know he's always sucked. We sing Auld Lang Syne even though most of us haven't a fucking clue as to the words.

And the New Year's resolutions. Those fucking New Year's resolutions. The idea that someone would wait as much as (in the case of some I could mention) an extra three months to, say, quit smoking is really quite insipid. Furthermore, the New Year's resolution puts whatever the fuck it is you're vowing up on a pedastal. Unnecessary.

And don't get me started on that countdown to the New Year bullshit that the entire world does in turn as their time zones cross the threshold. Guess what! There's going to be a leap second this year! Your countdown will be wrong!

It's a sham. A total sham.

But who cares? The Stooges are on all night. They're almost never on TV anymore.

And so what if January 1st is a meaningless date? It's a day where we can be certain that there will be a party, regardless of religion (unless you're a Jehovah's Witness, in which case I've probably pissed you off at some point in this blog).

It is the time to put aside your scruples and have crazy fun, even if you're an antigonistic cynic (or a cynical antagonist). We need every excuse we can get. It carries my stamp of approval, despite the bullshit attatched. Not that you really needed to hear any of this from me.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Sunday, December 18, 2005 

Dear Absurd Readership

I am sorry that I have failed you all to contribute. When I was asked to be a contributor by the genius Esoteric Wombat, I was excited at the prospect to add further eccentric banter and babble to the abyss of the world wide web. Unfortunately, I seemed to have shanked my responsibilities as of late and given nothing to the common cause of jamming to our own absurd beat.

I will, however, remedy this situation shortly. I recently took my final final of my undergraduate career. I am incredibly excited about this despite the detection of calm indifference vibes that is my shield in life. But now, what to do? (note: this is a rhetorical question) Other than the new job of job hunt commencing, grad school applications and intern applications in need of completion, I seem to have plenty of time on my hands to now work on endeavors such as these intellectual contributions in hopes of redefining the heights of absurdity.

So, my first question friends, is what does one do with a Liberal Arts degree? (note: this is not a rhetorical question) It seems I obtained a round-about knowledge in just about anything, but am unqualified for everything. I can tell you what you should underline in a textbook, and what you should not. I can use lexis nexis and academic search premier. I can speak some Russian. (hmm, that should help me in South Central Tejas, hold on while a make a quick note of that...) I can name all 21 ethnic republics of the former Soviet Union. I can even supply you with a stark comparison of the Invasion of Czechoslovakia in 1968 with the Hungarian experience of 1956 in which I cover substantially in my history thesis. But how does one translate these coveted skills and information into a career? Hmm. I guess I will find out as I embark on this journey of job-hunting as a possessor of degrees in government, history, and russian eastern european eurasian studies (yes, i know that's redundant). Of course, this could be an impossible question to answer like how many licks does it take to get to the center of the lolli-pop...the world may never know.


p.s. If I find myself under a bridge, will you all promise to let me clean your car windows at stop lights for a couple bucks?

Saturday, December 17, 2005 

Stalkers and Talkers and Midnight Balkers

Shear craziness in the middle of finals for no other reason than no one else has written anything here for some time. Do you people really think I have time for this? I am after all a busy woman, with the entire city to enthrall me and a stack of books and papers to go through. I’m slightly foul of temper too as fifty-percent, if not more, of the people I speak to at other colleges are out……………the rest will be out by Tuesday and I am stuck until Thursday. What is that about anyway?

I believe that it is best for me to take a stand on what is often perceived as internet stalking. It matters not that the invasion of privacy that occurs in these cases may be just that and not a physical threat. What matters is the perception there of.

In other words, when you read someone’s blog and decide to find out other information about that person, even if it is “just for the sake of curiosity” you become a creepy stalker. Indeed you may not be a “real” stalker but who is to know that for a fact.

In blog land you can be sure there are limits as to how far people want to go, how much information they want to divulge. You need to respect the unnatural boundaries, except what is given and expect no more.

It’s similar to a love affair… is just an affair; it is not a marriage. Enjoy what it gives you but do not try to take it further. It is not meant to be what it isn’t and it is selfish of you to try to take it to the place it was not meant to go.