Friday, December 30, 2005 

On the topic of New Years.

It's a sham. A utter, complete sham.

Nothing begins on January First. Nothing.

It's not even the beginning of a new planetary cycle. That would be the Winter Solstice, which this year was December 21st? Why don't we celebrate the new year on that day? Probably because it would draw attention from Christmas, which wasn't actually the day Jesus was born. But I digress.

Every year we watch the ball drop. We listen to Dick Clark even though we all know he's always sucked. We sing Auld Lang Syne even though most of us haven't a fucking clue as to the words.

And the New Year's resolutions. Those fucking New Year's resolutions. The idea that someone would wait as much as (in the case of some I could mention) an extra three months to, say, quit smoking is really quite insipid. Furthermore, the New Year's resolution puts whatever the fuck it is you're vowing up on a pedastal. Unnecessary.

And don't get me started on that countdown to the New Year bullshit that the entire world does in turn as their time zones cross the threshold. Guess what! There's going to be a leap second this year! Your countdown will be wrong!

It's a sham. A total sham.

But who cares? The Stooges are on all night. They're almost never on TV anymore.

And so what if January 1st is a meaningless date? It's a day where we can be certain that there will be a party, regardless of religion (unless you're a Jehovah's Witness, in which case I've probably pissed you off at some point in this blog).

It is the time to put aside your scruples and have crazy fun, even if you're an antigonistic cynic (or a cynical antagonist). We need every excuse we can get. It carries my stamp of approval, despite the bullshit attatched. Not that you really needed to hear any of this from me.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Sunday, December 18, 2005 

Dear Absurd Readership

I am sorry that I have failed you all to contribute. When I was asked to be a contributor by the genius Esoteric Wombat, I was excited at the prospect to add further eccentric banter and babble to the abyss of the world wide web. Unfortunately, I seemed to have shanked my responsibilities as of late and given nothing to the common cause of jamming to our own absurd beat.

I will, however, remedy this situation shortly. I recently took my final final of my undergraduate career. I am incredibly excited about this despite the detection of calm indifference vibes that is my shield in life. But now, what to do? (note: this is a rhetorical question) Other than the new job of job hunt commencing, grad school applications and intern applications in need of completion, I seem to have plenty of time on my hands to now work on endeavors such as these intellectual contributions in hopes of redefining the heights of absurdity.

So, my first question friends, is what does one do with a Liberal Arts degree? (note: this is not a rhetorical question) It seems I obtained a round-about knowledge in just about anything, but am unqualified for everything. I can tell you what you should underline in a textbook, and what you should not. I can use lexis nexis and academic search premier. I can speak some Russian. (hmm, that should help me in South Central Tejas, hold on while a make a quick note of that...) I can name all 21 ethnic republics of the former Soviet Union. I can even supply you with a stark comparison of the Invasion of Czechoslovakia in 1968 with the Hungarian experience of 1956 in which I cover substantially in my history thesis. But how does one translate these coveted skills and information into a career? Hmm. I guess I will find out as I embark on this journey of job-hunting as a possessor of degrees in government, history, and russian eastern european eurasian studies (yes, i know that's redundant). Of course, this could be an impossible question to answer like how many licks does it take to get to the center of the lolli-pop...the world may never know.


p.s. If I find myself under a bridge, will you all promise to let me clean your car windows at stop lights for a couple bucks?

Saturday, December 17, 2005 

Stalkers and Talkers and Midnight Balkers

Shear craziness in the middle of finals for no other reason than no one else has written anything here for some time. Do you people really think I have time for this? I am after all a busy woman, with the entire city to enthrall me and a stack of books and papers to go through. I’m slightly foul of temper too as fifty-percent, if not more, of the people I speak to at other colleges are out……………the rest will be out by Tuesday and I am stuck until Thursday. What is that about anyway?

I believe that it is best for me to take a stand on what is often perceived as internet stalking. It matters not that the invasion of privacy that occurs in these cases may be just that and not a physical threat. What matters is the perception there of.

In other words, when you read someone’s blog and decide to find out other information about that person, even if it is “just for the sake of curiosity” you become a creepy stalker. Indeed you may not be a “real” stalker but who is to know that for a fact.

In blog land you can be sure there are limits as to how far people want to go, how much information they want to divulge. You need to respect the unnatural boundaries, except what is given and expect no more.

It’s similar to a love affair… is just an affair; it is not a marriage. Enjoy what it gives you but do not try to take it further. It is not meant to be what it isn’t and it is selfish of you to try to take it to the place it was not meant to go.

Thursday, December 01, 2005 

What Really Happened to the WMDs in Iraq

We all know that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction at one time. We know because they came from us. A deal hatched by some of the same people at the upper echelons of the Bush Administration, it is important to note. But now that we're in there, there's none to be found. Something had to have happened to them, but what?

I've figured it out.

Saddam was sitting in his favorite palace one day, thinking about how fucking good he had it. An enormous supply of oil, huge palaces and countless servants and concubines, an entire nation of people pissing themselves with fear that they might incite his anger...

And on top of that, he was untouchable. No one in or around the Middle East wanted to fuck with him, thanks to those nasty weapons he was sitting on. And the major powers? They needed a reason to start trouble, and he wasn't giving it to them. But it wasn't all sunshine and happiness. Those UN weapons inspectors were starting to be a pain in the ass, all poking around in his shit and knocking on the palace gates. He wouldn't be able to hold them off for long.

Those WMDs were starting to cause a problem, which really sucks for him because he wasn't going to use them, anyways. Using them would start a war, and he'd get his ass trounced. No, his purpose in keeping them was so that others would know he had them and thus they shouldn't fuck with him. Get rid of the WMDs and he was vulnerable. Keep them and he might have a war on his hands. He needed a third option.

After careful consideration, he realized that he didn't really need the weapons themselves, he just needed people to think he had them. So he destroyed them, covertly. Meanwhile, he defied the weapons inspectors at every turn until he was done. As long as they found nothing but didn't trust the result, he was golden. No one would go to war without proof, right?

The problem came when Bush officials demanded evidence that he destroyed them. At that point Saddam realized that he was fucked, and went and hid in a hole.

And that's how it happened